My Daily Drama – Women Daily Drama Only!

With the end of the year quickly approaching, I asked myself, are you going to make the same ridiculous resolutions again?  This year I have decided to make a significant impact in MY life.  I am going to take care of the things that really matter.  I am going to make a concerted effort to seek out happiness and hold on to it.  So often we try to outline our happiness and categorize it.  We say things like I will be happy when I get that special car, I will be happy when I buy a house in a certain neighborhood, I will be happy when I loose weight, or get that certain job.  Unlike previous years, I am going to be happy right now.  I have the capacity to make myself happy and guess what, it has a very long shelf life.  The last two of years have been very trying for me, I found myself in situations that forced me into uncharted territory.  These situations are the catalyst to my new lease on life and my quest to seek balance and serenity.  To that end, these are my resolutions.

I will take inventory of all my relationships and I will either fix or discontinue the ones that are high maintenance.  We all have those relationships in our lives, people who fall under the category of friends. Those friends who rate our gestures, or keep a score card of what we have done for them.  The people who seek us out only to make time for themselves.  I will also make a concerted effort to address left handed compliments, and passive aggressive comments dressed up as humor.  How many times have we found ourselves in a situation and kicked ourselves later because we should have said something… We stew and then regret not acting on our own behalf.  Typically, I am not a rock the boat kind of person, but I have found that people mistake my silence for not knowing any better.  Well, 2012 is all about making waves and rocking the boat.  Regret, no room for regret.  I will say what I feel when scenarios bubble up… no more renting room in my head.

I worked for a company for almost four years and during this time, not only did I witness things that were not right, I helped carry them out and legitimized it in the name of a paycheck.  I witnessed stereotyping, racism, the seeking of the underdog to exploit them and underpay them.  I worked for a woman who used the work arena as a forum to pass judgement on the personal lives of each of her employees.  She used their misfortunes to bolster her narcissistic way of life.  She made a sport out of targeting different people on a whim to see how far she could push them, how far would they go for their jobs, and I did nothing.  It became harder for me to sleep, sleep aids were not helping, I had to increase my blood pressure medication dosage, when I got to work the tears would well up in my eyes before I went inside.  I finally resigned without having a job, I waited too long.  Guilt, I will not make room in my life for guilt.  I realized, albeit way too late, that my conscience and integrity, were not for sale.

I will find my voice and reclaim the important role I play. You can’t find your footing in quick sand, it is impossible, no matter what you try to do, it will always be quick sand.  When a person has become emotionally bankrupt, they are quick sand.  They will pull at you and tear you down until you have given up the fight. They have no vested interest in your feelings or the preservation of your happiness.  When this happens, you gotta it in check or walk away.  It is incumbent of me as a parent, to teach my child that she has a voice and should not compromise self worth or self respect in any situation. As a parent we teach by example.  We cannot hold our children to a standard that we are not capable of meeting. Courtesy, understanding and humanity begins at home.  I will not surrender my life anymore, there is no worse predator than one that works viciously to conceal your voice and steal your happiness.

So these are my resolutions.  I am going to live my life differently, no regret, no guilt and I will not forget self worth.  I am going to greet each day with a gracious heart,  I am going to be kind, thankful, generous and forgiving. I am going to parent vigorously so that my daughter understands the importance of core values.  I will be respectful to those deserving respect and disassociate myself with those that don’t.  At the end of the day, I want to lay my head down and know that I did okay.  At my funeral, they won’t say I was a size seven or that I had an enormous house and a fancy car.  I want them to say I was a good person.  That I loved tirelessly, unconditionally and without prejudice. They will say that I loved being a parent.  I made mistakes, but made bigger corrections.  I was funny and HAPPY and I lived a good and full life.

Maybe if we all took a minute to think of what our eulogy would be like, and what people would say about the kind of life we lived, the kind of person we were.  If we were honest, really honest with ourselves, I’m sure we would make changes.

2012, here I come, may the Good Lord guide my steps.

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